The traditional scene is repeated over and over in households across America. The husband arrives home late. The wife is angry. There’s a fight. He comes up with a lame excuse, she doesn’t believe him, but can’t prove anything. She thinks, but has no evidence to confirm, that he is seeing “another woman”. He is, but won’t admit it. The wife starts looking for signs and, eventually, finds them. He’s caught. His wife has found the proof that he is seeing another woman. Now what?
by Hannah Jay
In the big world there are two sorts of “other women”; women who are seeing a husband because they are interested in him; and women who see him on a commercial basis. For a wife who wants to keep her marriage intact, a commercial arrangement with an escort or a mistress is a much better outcome than the discovery that her husband is seeing a co-worker or a girl he met in a bar. In France, where there supposedly exists such a flurry of extra-marital affairs, they actually have a term for a discrete rendezvous in the hours after work: a cinq a sept (five-to-seven).
It is a truism that men are not, by nature, monogamous. And this is particularly true of men who are successful. Alpha males – and more than a few Betas – tend to have fairly voracious sexual appetites. While it is certainly possible for a man to keep his marital vows, the fact that he strays may simply be in his nature.
From the wife’s perspective, having a successful, confident husband is deeply attractive – not just because of the material advantages and the potential for great kids – because it means she has effectively won the matrimonial sweepstakes. The downside being that her prince is also more than a little likely to be just as attractive to other women.
For an intelligent, mature wife, the question is not if, but when, her husband strays. And if that is the question, then the answer is damage control. Difficult as it may be for a woman to discover her husband’s infidelity, the fact is that infidelity comes in many guises.
Escorts anecdotally report that the majority – sometimes the vast majority – of their clients are married or partnered. And, given the size of the escorting industry, that means that there is a great deal of infidelity to go around. Most mistresses – in the old sense of that word– namely women who have an allowance paid by a patron for their favours – also tend to have patrons who are married. This is commercial infidelity and a sensible wife will recognize that an escort or mistress poses far less threat to her marriage than a girlfriend or co-worker would.
For escorts, regardless of what level of the business they function at, infidelity is not their problem. It is not even an issue in what is for them, a purely business transaction. They are selling companionship and intimate activity for a fee. From the escort’s point of view, the last thing they want is any emotional or personal entanglement with their clients.
So, here is why a wife should be relieved her husband is seeing an escort rather than having a girlfriend.
- An escort does not wish to marry your husband – The biggest danger that a wife faces when her husband is unfaithful, is that the woman he is unfaithful with will want to replace her. In other words, that pretty file clerk is not sleeping with your husband just for fun. She has what old maiden aunts would call “designs”.
For a woman who has invested years of her life in a marriage, the last thing she wants is for her husband to trade her in for the girl in cubicle #4. With an escort there is not the slightest danger that infidelity will be anything more than a cash transaction.
- Safety – No married woman wants to be at risk for sexually transmitted diseases. And no escort above street level will willingly indulge in unprotected sex. The problem posed by the girls your husband may pick up in bars is that they are the sort of girls who sleep with guys they pick up in bars. Safe sex is not “optional” with an escort, it’s mandatory. With a one night stand in a bar or at a convention, it may very well be forgotten. One thing a wife can count on if her husband is seeing an escort, is that the escort will be strictly professional.
- A professional situation – Whether an escort is seeing your husband on an in- or an out-call basis, she will control the situation. For mid and higher level escorts, personal safety is a paramount consideration. The measures they take for their own safety will also ensure your husband’s safety. This extends well beyond the use of condoms. If a girl is doing in-calls she wants to be physically safe which usually means finding a location which is in a low crime area and which has things like building security and secured parking. In an out-call situation, the escort will be very careful to avoid situations which, frankly, your husband shouldn’t be in in the first place.
- Married sex is not escort sex – As enthusiastic and lusty as a wife may very well be, the reality of marriage is that sex can often become comfortable, predictable, and well, even boring. Perhaps this is why couples are taking to spicing up their sex lives with sex tapes and the like. While there is much to be said for catering to these bedroom antics in marriage, there is also a good deal to be said for outsourcing the more outlandish sexual activities. This very much depends on the couple but a husband who explores his inner sexual athlete with a professional may well be a kinder, gentler lover in the marital bed.
Fetishes – Men being the wonderful and complex creatures they are, have obsessions. It is not true that women cannot have fetishes, they can, but it is relatively rare for a woman to pursue a particular fetish with the single mindedness a man can bring to the objects of his desires. Again, a loving wife may be very able to cope with her husband’s desire to dress as a French Maid and paint his toe nails; but the problem is that this is almost never what the wife would actually be comfortable with. Plus, truth to tell, seeing her wonderful alpha husband in lady’s clothing or with an improbable object in his bottom, may diminish her respect, if not her love, for him.
Escorts, on the other hand, make a good living from catering to the various sexual diversions of their clientele. There are specialist escorts for every fantasy and these girls have the props and the costumes which play into their client’s quirks. Better still, because their clients are paying for the privilege of being tied up or “forced” to wear high heels or worship Mistress’s feet, there is a pretty clear line between an hour or two of fantasy, and real life.
The expense is controlled – Escorts charge a fee usually on an hourly basis. They are certainly delighted to get tips and presents are always acceptable; but at the end of the day, there is a limit as to what a man will pay to play. Similarly, a mistress has a fixed allowance as well as the little gifts, clothes and cash gifts which her patron gives her. Again, a limited expenditure.
Now, from the wife’s perspective, this expense may seem too extravagant and it may indeed impact the family budget. However, unlike the costs of a girlfriend which are effectively limitless, escort fees or mistress’s allowances are predetermined. Better still, because an escort or a mistress is a luxury purchase, if times are tight a husband can forego his adventures in infidelity without significant consequence. No escort phones a regular client wondering where he is this week, and a mistress understands that part of her arrangement is that it can end abruptly.
Limited drama – The last thing a wife wants is some strange woman calling at midnight and screaming down the phone that her husband…well, anything really. A wife simply does not want any such calls, emails, or encounters/harassments of any kind. She especially does not with the girl from Cubicle #4 arriving on the doorstep with a love-child or a Writ claiming palimony.
Part of the commercial nature of the transaction with an escort is that it is finite. From a half an hour encounter to a long term “regular” arrangement, the escort is paid for her time and when time is up, the encounter is over. Discretion is part of the package.
An escort will not fall in love with your husband – Your husband might fall in love with an escort ,but that is usually the last thing the escort wants. If the escort is truly a professional, she approaches her clients with a good deal of detachment and keeps her business and personal life in separate spheres. Of course some clients are much more fun to see and escorts will have favorites; but emotional entanglement is not on the agenda.
Where a man might well lead a girlfriend on with promises of undying love and such like, that will just seem silly when said to an escort. And most escorts take it as a matter of professional pride never to become emotionally involved with their clients.
- An escort listens – This may sound threatening to a wife. After all, she listens. But there is a huge difference between what a man is comfortable talking to an escort about, and what he discusses with his wife. Many escort encounters are one off situations. The client is there for an hour or two and, in the confines of that session, can talk about the things which he feels he needs or wants to talk about without there being any particular consequences. It is, in an odd sort of way, therapy with a happy ending. Most never see the girl ever again.
For many men, having the outlet an escort offers a place where they feel they can talk about the real issues they face in their lives. At home they have to keep up a particular “front”. And even the most understanding wife has – and should have – views which do not necessarily always support her husband’s. An escort is there just to listen, not to judge.
Escorts can restore men – We live in a society where men are often taken for granted. Even a loving, understanding, supportive wife cannot always be present – as the New Agers would put it – to keep her husband optimistic, cocksure and appreciated. An hour or two with an escort can work wonders for the ever fragile male ego.
Many men, after the first few minutes with a skillful escort, forget or compartmentalize the fact she’s being paid. Instead, they see a pretty woman hanging on their every word and making an effort to seduce them. They cannot help but be flattered by their escort’s attentions and, when the encounter is over, often leave with a bounce in their step.
All of which brings up a radical notion, can an escort or mistress actually enhance a marriage? Obviously this very much depends on the marriage and the scenario in which the escort or mistress is being seen.
The biggest issues with a husband straying are two-fold; first, the infidelity itself can damage or destroy a marriage; secondly, there can be a good deal of dishonesty surrounding escort encounters or mistress keeping. All manner of subterfuge can be employed to keep the wife “in the dark.” Once broken, the trust bond is the hardest to mend.
The core of these problems is a very North American, deeply puritanical attitude toward the proper workings of marriage itself. For most women, their marriage is over at even a hint of infidelity. Their “self respect” requires the nuclear option pretty much the instant unfaithfulness is detected. Within such marriages therefore, there is a huge incentive for husbands to be deeply deceptive about an extra-marital encounter. (Unless of course he really wishes to extricate himself from the marriage, then infidelity will almost certainly lead to divorce. A cowardly and pathetic strategy that works, but inflicts great harm and hurt.)
In this inflexible marriage stricture, women do not pay much credence to the nature of the extra-marital activity, but that it exists at all is sufficient cause to call in the lawyers and the real estate agents. Sadly, the aftermath for husband and wife, not to mention children, are usually ruinous.
Discovering a husband’s indiscretions is often shattering for a loving and devoted wife. A reaction of restraint – “turning a blind eye” as it were to the occasional sexual shenanigan, is often the wisest approach for a wife not willing to play into the commonplace infidelity hysteria, and in order to preserve both her marriage and her husband’s dignity. As French psychologist Maryse Vaillant put it,
There’s an unspoken agreement: the husband does everything to respect his wife and make sure she doesn’t find out, and she does everything she can not to know anything.
On the other hand, a husband’s liaison with an alluring woman is much more potentially problematical than an evening with a luxury escort on an out of town business trip. One threatens the marriage; the other is merely an extravagance.
Channeling a straying husbands attentions to escorts or a mistress avoids the potential disasters of a romantic relationship developing whilst ensuring she retains a degree of control over her husband’s philandering. She can, if she has the evidence (read the upper hand), set out her own terms for her husband’s wayward behaviour. Ironically, this may come as a relief to a man who loves his wife and doesn’t want to lose her or destroy his marriage over a bit of “playing around.”
An “out of my sight” rule is a good place to start – with the wife simply asserting that she does not want the potential embarrassment or scandal of her husband’s dalliances making any social ripples, and so, he is not to visit escorts in the city where they live. If he travels, that might well be a different story.
Alternatively, a wife might explain to her husband that if he must see escorts, she would prefer that he see higher end girls in locations where he is sure to be safe. Most wives will stop short of actually picking the girls, but it is not unheard of.
If it is within ones means, perhaps the best arrangement of all is to have your husband keep a mistress (in the old sense of the word, that is). This is a mutually beneficial, commercial relationship. And in this case, the benefit extends three ways: the mistress entertains the husband and is well compensated; he derives pleasure and the macho thrill of seduction and a vital sense of virility; the wife has a deeply grateful and contented husband, and keeps him; and all parties have the advantage of security and discretion.
With some couples, this works wonderfully well. It is for the sophisticated and the emotionally strong, it must be said. Such a triangular arrangement is embodied in a this wonderful anecdote:
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning woman comes over to their table, give the husband a kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.
His shocked wife says, ‘Who was that?’
‘Oh,’ replied the husband, ‘that was my mistress.’
The wife says, ‘That’s it; I want a divorce!’
“I understand,” replies her husband, “But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.”
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend of theirs entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
‘Who’s that woman with Bob?’ she asks.
‘Oh, that’s his mistress,’ replies her husband.
‘Ours is prettier,’ says his wife.
So, regardless of how a couple arranges their affairs – marriage and otherwise – it is always a personal and private matter to be worked out as they see fit. Life and love are complex, paradoxical, and not for the faint of heart.