Toys you never dared to bring home, but can try with an escort

Ah, the holidays. For some, this is a period of shared time with loved ones, a reflection of what the passing year has meant, and an opportunity to give and give thanks. For others, it’s a time to overeat, overshop, overstress and claw into the new year fatter and hornier, with a wicked bad hangover and pash rash in several pink spots. Resolutions are for cutting caffeine, going on diets, giving up the cigarettes that holiday merriment inspires and throwing away those naughty toys exchanged during Secret Santas and stuffed into the stocking by your weirdest relative.

So, in salutation to the holiday gift-giving season, here are some such wicked toys that will do more than merit a chuckle—they’ll most likely cause a snorting of eggnog and (if you’re lucky) maybe induce a fainting spell. Pick one up for everyone on your list.

  • Santa Claus Vibrator

    Santa Claus Vibrator

    Fantasies and fetishes are only limited by the mind and Tea Partiers. Why not give her the gift of the man reknown for seeing her while she sleeps, knowing when she wakes, and showering her with gifts year after year?

  • Candy Pasties

    Candy Pasties

    Help him to relive the carefree, boyish days of waking to wet sheets and casually strolling into the lingerie section of Sears with these treats from childhood. Yes, these pasties are technically for a lady to don in merry measure, but they’re sure to help your man play out his naughtiest schoolboy fantasies.

  • Shiri Zinn Harness

    Shiri Zinn Harness

    Christmas giving to the Fashionista doesn’t have to be Hermes scarves and outlandish minks. This classy, beaded lamb leather harness (now available in burgundy for the holidays) is sure to have her feeling sultry and sexy come New Years Eve.

  • Lap Dance for Santa Apron

    Lap Dance for Santa Apron

    If your lady friend can’t get out of the kitchen and you’re tired of inhaling flour as you nibble her neck at night, merge your holiday worlds with this sexy apron. She’ll be feeling more creative with her melted chocolate kisses and red edible glitter, and you’ll be thankful for all the crevices sprinkled sugar can find.

  • The Fresh Paddle

    The Fresh Paddle

    There’s something oh so nice about being oh so naughty. This paddle—made without any animal ingredients as opposed to traditional leather—will let out the bad girl in your eco-friendly activist. Dirty phrases about oil spills and animal mating not included.

  • Buddha's Delight Dildo

    Buddha’s Delight Dildo

    Many look to meditation as a way to release tension and develop mental and physical stamina. And when that doesn’t work, they revert to sex. Evidently Gandhi was hung like a horse. Help your little spiritualist out with a dildo that will bring you both a little closer to god.

  • Batman XXX: A Porn Parody

    Batman XXX: A Porn Parody

    As if comic book characters weren’t drawn sexily enough, this porno flick ups the wet-pants factor by bringing you Kimberly Kane, Dale DaBone and James Deen in colorful costumes and with the same annoying-yet-now-somewhat-sexy pander. Evidently it’s the best selling porno of 2010 – proving once again that you should never underestimate the power of the nerd.

  • Clone a Willy Kit

    Clone a Willy Kit

    This is one of the most brilliant do-it-yourself kits to ever hit the market. If you or your male friend are endowed with a Herculean shlong, don’t wait before age and alcoholism winnow it down to a viagra-induced puppet. Preserve it for eternity as a sculptural masterpiece and dual-action plaything. Just follow the instructions carefully – chalk-burn is never fun.

  • The Fleshlight

    The Fleshlight

    If your buddy doesn’t have someone to kiss under the mistletoe or when the clock strikes twelve on January 31st, give him a set of lips to go to bed with. Though slightly disturbing and eerily realistic in texture, these won’t talk back when his cum tastes like fruitcake.

  • The Lipstick Vibrator

    The Lipstick Vibrator

    Sugar highs and sparkly clothes can make a girl go all tingly while in the most inconvenient of circumstances. So help a gal out and give her the gift that can go discreetly anywhere with her. Just pray that the thing doesn’t turn itself on while at a business lunch or going through airport security – the new pat-downs are enough for one holiday season.

  • The Baby Jesus Butt Plug

    The Baby Jesus Butt Plug

    Just in case you thought the Christmas season couldn’t get scandalous enough—Exhibit A: The Baby Jesus Butt Plug. Whether a devout Christian or a card-carrying atheist, this present will surely cause a ruckus when opened on the birthday of one of the most famous men in history. Don’t worry – most priests extend their confessional hours in the dawn of the new year.