Why is it so hard for providers to have successful, long term intimate relationships? It’s a question I’ve pondered for years, through the filter of my own experiences and observations made about others as well. I still don’t have a totally clear answer that makes sense and explains it all sufficiently. I am also limited by only really being able to speak for myself, so bear that in mind. Others my feel differently and each situation is certainly unique.
There are several distinct situations that I’ve encountered since I began escorting which all involve trying to have an intimate relationship with a significant other, so let’s talk about each of those for a moment.
The first of these was the boyfriend I was with before I started to escort. When we got together, we were living in a much smaller city and I didn’t know anything about the escorting business and had no exposure to it at that time.
Then we moved to Portland almost a year after meeting and I became involved with escorting after a few months. He didn’t like this idea. At all.
To be totally fair, most people in this particular situation would feel similarly. Perhaps some would handle it with more maturity, but the majority of people would oppose it every bit as much as he did so I can’t fault him too much for that.
It created tons of problems for us. He grew super needy. So much so that he practically followed me to the damn bathroom and from room to room as I moved about the house we were staying in together. It was maddening.
I’m the type of person who very much requires their own space and a fair amount of “me” time spent in solitude just zoning out on something I enjoy doing, so this kind of behavior leaves me feeling smothered rather quickly.
Because his neediness is getting on my nerves but I don’t want to say anything, it creates an unspoken tension between us that hangs in the air, making it thicker until one of us is forced to gasp and scream at the other.
This would often erupt when he approached me for sex in the midst of all that tension. I was less than receptive. I’d turn him down and he would immediately get upset, blaming my lack of interest on the sex I was having with clients.
It wasn’t that. It was the way he was acting. It did not put me in the right mood and I knew he’d freak out about it like he did, which made it even less appealing. He wanted me to stop escorting, though he wasn’t working at the time. I never understood that whole thing, but whatever.
I wasn’t going to let anyone tell me I wasn’t allowed to work or tell me what kind of work I could and couldn’t do, so I basically told him to take a hike. We needed money for a long list of things and he wasn’t doing anything about that, so I was doing it instead.
How could he complain when he had no alternative to offer?
As our fragile relationship circled the drain, everything just got so bad that I couldn’t stand it anymore. When I got back from seeing clients, he would sometimes chase after their car as they pulled out of the driveway. I had to start asking them to pick me up down the road to avoid this.
He would call me a “whore” and put me down when I got back to the house, stealing things out of my hand and bullying me in the most childish ways. We destroyed things that belonged to each other, we were on a path of absolute destruction.
At one point during a fight, I locked him out and he actually kicked the front door down. That same night, I threw something of his outside and it shattered. He was so angry he jumped up over the back of the couch and started strangling me. I started to wonder if he would realize what he was doing and stop after a couple of moments and he finally did.
Things were kind of just ruined at that point. I had to get away from him, so that’s what I did.
The moral of this first story? Most people can’t handle being in an intimate relationship with a provider. It requires a rare breed of individual and you can’t fairly expect an existing partner to accept as a new career path.
Clients Who Get Carried Away
It’s funny that women get stereotyped as the gender more prone to confusing sex for love because I can’t tell you how many of my clients have made the same mistake.
The second situation is far more common and basically every bit as doomed to fail as the previous one.
Ever since I began to escort, the service most in demand has always been GFE (girlfriend experience).
They seem to envision a relationship with me as being similar to the hour or two they pay me to spend with them each time we have a session. This is not an accurate representation of what everyday life would be like, obviously.
Still, they insist that they’d like me to live with them, be their girlfriend and all of the stuff that comes with that. I’ve only tried this a few times, but on the condition that I would continue being independent and doing the work I do. I also demand that there are no restrictions on my freedom. I can see whoever I want whenever I want and I’m under no obligation to have sex with them if I don’t want to.
Not thinking these conditions through very well, they seem blinded by what they see as the benefits and ignore the rest. They claim none of that is a problem.
But it always is.
We’ve probably all had a crush on a celebrity at some point, probably when we were teenagers. We might convince ourselves we are actually in love with the person, but we can’t change the fact that we don’t actually know them personally and there is a pretty good chance that even if we did meet them, they wouldn’t feel the same way about us that we do about them.
This is the fundamental problem with trying to have a relationship with someone who is a client that you don’t have mutual attraction with. They may want you and be willing to spend money or do favors for you in exchange for your company or live-in companionship, but it won’t change the fact that you do not want them in the same way.
This makes for a highly uncomfortable living situation, trust me. It creates tension, jealousy and insecurity for the client and leaves the provider feeling trapped like a prisoner in the place they are supposed to call home.
The moral of this story? Remind these clients that your current arrangement is all of the good parts of a relationship with none of the baggage and drama and assure them that they will be happier if they keep it that way.
But what happens if you meet a client that you have genuine and immediate chemistry with? What if that person wants to be in a relationship with you? I’ve done that too, though it didn’t exactly work out how either of us had hoped it would.
While we met through work, he only paid me for sex two or three times before we started dating and I moved in with him. The relationship lasted on and off for the next several years, but right from the beginning it was an emotional roller coaster, as the saying goes.
All this time later, I can safely conclude that the real problem we faced was that the entire relationship was based around the sex we enjoyed together. Even as good as it was, our lives were just not compatible in any other way.
That doesn’t mean we didn’t care about one another. We certainly both did. We just had very different ideas of what was acceptable in a relationship and our lives were on two separate paths that were simply not meant to intersect.
If there is a lesson to be learned from that experience, it’s probably that even when the attraction is present from both ends, it’s not enough by itself to sustain a healthy, long term relationship.
Beware of the White Knight
As far as relationships with clients go, there is probably nothing worse than one blinded by White Knight Syndrome. These guys concoct a unrealistic fantasy similar to Pretty Woman. They think the only reason that a woman would be escorting is because she has no other choice.
Regardless of what you tell them to the contrary, they insist on you being some damsel in distress and set out on a strange mission to “save” you by offering to share their wealth, companionship and afford you luxuries that they for some reason think you could never have without them.
I have never really understood this particular type of guy. Especially since every one that I’ve ever met or encountered seems to enjoy nothing more than attaching ridiculous strings to their offers of “help” and have kind of a strange idea of what constitutes a “better life” than the one you are currently living.
Not only do they expect you to cater to their own sexual needs and desires whenever it suits them, but there is also the assumption that you will give up your independence and stop working as an escort. After all, how could anyone choose that line of work when presented with the option of instead being kept in a cage on display until you are needed to satisfy the hand that feeds you?
Sexual slavery and grossly codependent relationships are a small price to pay for being afforded the luxury of pretending to be a housewife all day instead.
Time to Pack Your Scumbags
Then there is a whole class of men who seem perfectly comfortable preying on women who escort and have no respect for them as people or the work they do. Unfortunately, I made the huge mistake of marrying one of these types of men.
For the first two years of our marriage, he continued to live with his parents and never worked or contributed a dime to anything we did together. I was expected to pay for everything and I did it way longer than I should have. I would often spend the last of my money on something for him that he needed, like a pair of shoes or pants and he would simply shrug it off and say, “So what? You’ll get more.”
That pretty much sums it up, doesn’t it? He doesn’t think my work is real work and he has zero respect for me. I eventually became so disgusted with him that it began to leak over into the feelings I had about myself. How could I stay with someone who I genuinely despised as much as I did him?
It was a total waste of four years of my life and if I left that relationship with anything valuable at all, it was that I know I will NEVER give someone that many chances to treat me the way I deserve before walking away. I will not tolerate being disrespected and there is no reason to settle for anyone who thinks of the work I do as some kind of stupid joke.
Then there are guys I’ve dated who had no real exposure to the escorting world prior to being in a relationship with me. Of course, these guys tend to get a little preoccupied with the novelty of the whole thing and like all the other groups mentioned before them, they are just as prone to feelings of jealousy, insecurity and lack of understanding.
I often wonder if I could handle dating someone who did what I do for a living. My first instinct is to say, “No freakin’ way!” But does this make me a hypocrite? Maybe. Or maybe I just know what I can handle and what I couldn’t. I know that for me, it would simply be a matter of just that.