Lessons I’ve learned as a male escort for men

Over the years an escort can certainly develop thick skin. It’s pretty much a requirement of the job and is something we all either try to pretend we don’t have or put on airs that we do. Still, the fact remain our work is both fun and dangerous and it’s up to us to remain as in control of our lives and the situation as best as possible.

by Jake S.

On the flip side, I’ve experienced the most incredible opportunities and adventures with my johns. Others, I kinda wished I didn’t. But in the end you are really just a conglomeration of all your life including the good and the bad, the short and the tall of it, and the stuff in between the cracks that you didn’t know was there. In the end, you have your whole life to look back on and be thankful for the ride!

I wanted to write an article about some of the lessons I’ve learned as a male escort. I’ve included these below and will likely add to them in due time. But, I think I have a lot to share with other young escorts in the hopes that my advice and words of wisdom can somehow help shape and protect those out there who are searching for answers.

So, enjoy and be safe out there.

Never judge a book by its cover

It’s clear as a part of our job, we never know what to expect. There’s a fine line between thinking you are going to be able to foresee a john’s actions and actually being on the receiving end of a stranger’s meltdown. I’ve seen it all from the most human of experiences to the most inhumane behavior. Luckily, for me I’ve relied heavily on my own intuition and my intelligence to get me through the stickiest of situations.

One takeaway is never assume you know someone completely. It’s just not fair to you or that person. It pigeonholes them and makes you vulnerable. You have to always understand that a person is very complex and to never try and outsmart someone when the only one you have control over is yourself. Remain in control of you and always have a plan b, c, and z.

This is also true for johns. I’ve had all kinds of men: short, fat, tall, skinny, hairy, clean, dirty, sexy, hot, old, young, etc. The point is, we can only assume we know what someone wants until they tell us. That’s why it’s a really good idea to ask a client what they want in a clear, concise way.

You can skirt around the subject by using your coyness, but often men do respect straightforwardness as much as possible. “What can you do for me? What am I getting in return? How much is your time worth?” These are all questions your client will ask you and how much you must also ask yourself before, during and after any business exchange. It’s not only a matter of money but of survival.

I’ve had a john once who had one hand. He affectionately like to refer to himself as the “One-Handed Bandit”. He certainly was not a bandit by any means. One may have said he could have easily stolen a boy’s heart, but he certainly did not have a mean bone in his body. In fact, he was missing a few of them on his left hand, he would add.

I met him at a bar. He had his hand in his pocket and looked quite adorable in his jeans and t-shirt. We were in the South at the time and gay bars were few and far between. I was off tour for a while and was in the city looking to make a few bucks. But more importantly, I was looking to just occupy my time and enjoy myself. Luckily, he was looking for the same.

To make a long story short, we ended up going back to his place. He explained to me that no one ever picks him up. People find out he has one hand and they get freaked out. I was stunned. I never even knew this about him until he went to pay for our drinks. I was much more intent on listening to his stories about growing up and working on a farm back home. He was intriguing and had a kind heart. He was lonely and wanted some company. I was happy to oblige.

Not only did he have one hand, but he was also an incredible lover. For an average height joe, he was also seriously packing down where it counts. It was seriously a night of surprises, and I enjoyed myself so much that instead of taking his money, I asked him to buy me lunch the next day. He not only agreed, but did so the following day as well. That weekend I ate like a king and had everything I needed taken care of by this guy, this – to some people – “freak”.

Of course there are other men who are not so nice that you also have to deal with. And this is why it’s all too important to trust yourself. Often, we as escorts find ourselves in compromising positions and places and it’s vital that we have a clear picture before we take another step into the unknown. Whether the unknown is a conversation or a physical location, be confident in heart and mind that you can escape with your life, let alone your dignity, if need be.

Dignity is not imposed externally

I’ve done some pretty crazy stuff, but it took a while for me to come to the realization that my dignity cannot and will not be defined by someone else. Whether that person is a parent, my parent, a john or a lover. My self worth must come from myself and the lessons I’ve learned along my journey. After all, it’s my journey and no one elses.

So many people want to qualify and quantify people into certain boxes based upon one’s own measurements of good and bad, right and wrong, or worthy or unworthy. Everyone has their own opinions on how you should and should not live your life. What matters most and must be appreciated as a valiant survival mechanism is how you see yourself. How do you measure your own success? How do you see what your doing and how do you justify your behaviors to yourself? Does what your doing make sense to you, to your own unique version of yourself?

After all, if you don’t understand why your doing something, listen closely to that still small voice inside you. It’s okay if you don’t know what you’re doing, but what does it feel like? Does it make your stomach hurt, do you want to vomit, or do you feel confident and whole? Listen and feel where you are hearing and sensing the answers to these questions and there you will realize your worth.

You will comprehend that we live in a world that is inundated with stimulus and opinions. Truth is extremely relative and is based on agreed upon sets of beliefs. Those beliefs eventually become truths and human laws and eventually form the basis of our society in which we live and learn and thrive and have our being and our families. None of which matter unless it matters to you. Therefore, you must learn how to define things according to how you feel and what you want. Make decisions or you will be decided upon by someone else.

Mark your territory and stand your ground

As an escort, it’s so easy to have people take advantage of you. You allow yourself to be open and vulnerable in ways that many people would only allow themselves to be with certain people and in certain intimate situations. We however, think our work is not only important but it’s something we like to do, are good at, and get paid well for. This is no different than anyone else who chooses to work in an office all day. The only difference is the lighting and the fact that we get a bit more exercise in the process.

There will eventually be power plays involved in our work stemming from john to john. Many men like to feel powerful, but are you savvy enough to allow someone to feel powerful while you remain in control? That is a question that is very important for a male escort. You will likely be fucked and fucked hard. You better like it that way or figure out a way to take it like you like it. You will also be forced to fuck someone you probably would not want to if they weren’t paying you. You have to be okay with that as well.

But in the end, it’s you. It’s your life. You are alone. You must act for you and you alone. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. No one is forcing you and if they are and if you don’t like it, don’t do it. It’s that simple. There will always be johns. There will also be men biding for your attention. The most important person you have to be most considerate of is yourself. Life’s just too damn short, my friend.

There was a time when a client tried to force me to swallow his cock and his load while chocking me. This raving lunatic really wanted to hurt me. It was clear, he had something really wrong upstairs. I was young and I had never experienced anything like that so I was really confused, but luckily I woke myself up out of the chaos that this guy was trying to create around me and I stopped it. I woke myself up out of the trance of the moment and said, “No”. I waited to hear his response.

He grabbed my hair and tried to ram his cock down my throat again and I wouldn’t budge. I got up and he pushed me against the door. My head hit the hard metal hinges and he tried to smack my face, but I wouldn’t let him. I realized that it was go time. It’s in these circumstances that I feel very sad for women escorts who are not as strong as men physically; who don’t have the built-in blessing of sufficient testosterone to keep calm and collected under stress. It’s a rough game out there and it’s not always glitz and glamor, by any means.

I realized, no one was in control of me. I had no agent, I was working for myself. I have medical coverage that could withstand serious injuries. I was responsible for me and my life and I had absolutely nothing to lose. I had to act and stand my ground. I got up, blocked his punch, and kicked him in the balls. With my knee shaking, I kicked his face with my other foot and ran out the door.

I was so afraid he was going to come after me, but I had to make it seem like I meant business; because for the first time, I really did. Every negative scenario went through my head. What if he called the cops and said I assaulted him? What if, what if… I realized, he didn’t even know my name. I had complete anonymity. Thank God I never take my wallet with me to dudes’ places. It was seriously a wake up call and something I had to listen to if I was to continue working as an escort.

Find friends who care for and about you

Friends are critical for your well-being and survival. Choose your friends wisely, because you eventually emulate them and vice versa.

You spend a lot of you time at work, at school, with your friends and your family. If a part of you is lacking it will show up externally and the other way around. If you have bad friends you will learn to be a bad friend. If you’re not smart you will remain that way. If you are smart, you will learn what it’s like to have good friends and what a crappy time it was hanging out with bad friends, and you will learn how to be a good friend. You will attract good people and good experiences in your life the more you learn, grow and develop.

The same is true with your family, your work and with school. You will learn through each experience what you want out of life. Do you want to be the kind of mother you had as a child? That’s hard because people are quite complex. Are there aspects of your mother that you’d like to emulate with your own kids, if you so choose to have them? You are continuing to create who you are by every decision you make and every outcome of every experience you have. So choose carefully and consider all the options before clicking “OK”.

Friends can be the deciding force sometimes whether you live or die. Friends can be there for you in ways your family cannot. They know a part of you that you’d never share with your parents or grandparents, let alone your sister or brother. It’s a special kind of relationship that goes beyond the superficial. A true friend will tell you when you’re being an asshole when you are really being an asshole.

Your brother or sister will just tell you you are an asshole because they feel like it. It’s different. A friend can tell you when you are making a wrong decision because they care for you in such a way that is not really as intrinsically tied into who they are. There is a bit of anonymity there with friends that you don’t really have with family. Therefore, there’s much more honesty with friends that with family.

Many times, we don’t really know how our friends will help us, but eventually they all do. Everyone in our lives are there for a reason, I feel; it’s up to us to figure out what that reason is, to learn from it, and to thank them for their role in your process. If it wasn’t for a number of friends of mine I’ve made throughout the years, I don’t know where I would be. I know I would not be here today.

Whatever situation you find yourself in, if you at least have one friend you can call, you are a rich man. A friend is that lifeline that you call when you are down and out and need advice, a hand, or a guidepost. There are so many times, I’ve been let down and have to call on a friend for help. Be careful though to reciprocate the relationship. There’s nothing worse than taking advantage of a lifeline long past it’s due date.

Learn how to be considerate and to trust people. That takes learning what types of people are trustworthy and that takes time. For us as escorts, it’s not in our job description to trust our clients, because they are paying us to pleasure them. When pleasure is involved that adds a level of human emotion that is unpredictable. What pleases some people may not please others. Therefore, the fact that much of our clientèle are strangers for the most part does not bode well for trusting our johns for anything. Therefore, you get your money upfront and you pay later.

Your friends, if you have good ones, will be there regardless of your ability to please them fully or not. They’re level of pleasure is not dependant on your prowess to bring them to extreme levels of satisfaction. You are there to simply bear witness to them and their journey and vice versa. Any long withstanding relationship takes time to build, time to grown and time to heal.

An escort’s work is fleeting and always in search of the next big fix. So, have a clear delineation in your life as to who your friends are and who your johns are. If you mix them both, you will be stuck in muddy waters. That’s not to say relationships don’t change and evolve as we do. I’ve had a few johns who have later become friends, but that’s because we both respected the boundaries we put in place. It takes two to make a relationship, nothing is ever one sided. I’ve also had friends who have become johns, but those usually don’t last long, because that was usually what they were after anyway.

The term friends are used lightly here to define the vast array of human connections we’ve felt and experienced over the years. All friends are not meant to be in our lives forever. But every connection is vastly important. Each step and chord leads to something and someone else. The one thing we’ve all learned from the Internet is that indeed everything is intertwined in a vast web of connectivity.

Be kind

You never know who you are going to meet along your journey. Being kind does not mean being a pushover or being weak. In fact, it takes great strength to be kind to people who often don’t deserve it (even though nobody “deserves” anything more than the next guy). But we have to consider our definition of worthiness.

People who are often the most cruel are sadly the ones who need the most love. That doesn’t mean we are the ones who need to give it to them. But if we have the opportunity to share one act of kindness to someone who it is difficult to do so for, then we have grown as a person, because we’ve challenged ourselves to take a step in the right direction.

Being kind does not mean giving it away for free—it means treating all living creatures as equals

Even if you are having a tough time and don’t know how you should be treated, there is a part of you that knows—deep down—that you want to be treated well and so should others. Listen to that part of you and learn how to operate from that place of compassion and grace.

After all, in the end, the only thing we take is ourselves. How you define that is up to you. So, never trust a book by its cover, define your own dignity, stand your ground, find true friends and do your best to be kind to people. It’s really the only way I’ve learned to get through tough times and to always remember that we are all really one and the same, in the end.