The great world of domination and submission, BDSM, whips, chains and dungeons looks, and is, complicated. Just putting together a dungeon costs thousands of dollars with no certainty that you will attract enough paying customers to see a great return on your investment. Plus there are the leather outfits, thigh high boots, and all the other accoutrements of the domina. Great if that’s your passion, but what if it isn’t?
by Hannah Jay
In every market, there are the hardcore D&S aficionados who will pay serious money to have their particular fantasy fulfilled. But there are many more men whose submissive tendencies don’t run to being in suspension bondage in a frilly little girl’s dress. Or, to be more accurate, they may have that fantasy but they don’t want, or need, to act it out. Instead, what they are seeking is willing submission to a demanding woman.
The psychology of a client’s needs are not an escort’s business; her business is to meet those needs profitably. However, knowing a little about the dynamics of a dominant/submissive relationship gives a girl an advantage.
In cartoon form, a lot of men, particularly alpha men are “on” all the time. At work they have to make decisions, argue cases, prescribe drugs, borrow and lend money. At home they have ambitious wives, high achieving (or not) kids, and constant pressure. Even a game of golf becomes a competition. All of their actions have consequences. There is no escape from the pressure and thus, the stress simply accumulates.
There is no obvious place in this unbalanced world for a man to simply relax. Going to see an escort, even for a quick encounter, is more than just relief of sexual tension. It is a brief respite from the stress and pressure of their everyday life. It is half an hour or an hour devoted to their own pleasure, their own needs. For many men that experience is rewarding enough that they will become a regular, or keep a mistress, or give themselves regular treats.
However, for a significant minority of men, even a great “girlfriend experience” does not take them far enough outside themselves. In a nutshell, they are still in control. They are still calling the shots. They think they are going to relax with a girl when, in fact, they are worried about their performance, whether she’s having a great time, if they are getting their money’s worth. Instead of a pleasing escape they find themselves loaded with more of their own expectations. (Not to mention all the standard worries men bring to their escort experience.)
So the essential dynamic at the root of the dominant/submissive, F/m experience is the removal of choice from the submissive male. At the most basic level the submissive client does what he is told.
Most experienced escorts know that the vast majority of their clients, in fact, “do what they are told” but the difference between the straight and the submissive client is that the sub gets extra excitement from the telling.
A dominant date begins with the ad. In another article I mentioned the “I’m In Charge” ad. Here it is again,
Headline: I’m In Charge
Hard day at the office, long road trip? Put yourself in the hands of a strong, strict, confident woman who knows just what you need.
This is sending a none too subtle message that the client will be told what to do and how to do it. And this sort of ad may be all you need to begin building a clientele of submissive men.
However, you can kick it up a notch or two with a few trigger words:
Headline: Learn to Obey
It’s time for you to do what you’re told. Put yourself in the hands of a strong, strict woman. I will take possession of you with style and elegance.
No more than that. The objective of the ad is to find men who are interested in submission but whose particular tastes are largely unformed. It is a broad, deep market.
Tools of the Trade
Once part of your business becomes domination, you’ll never see a hardware store quite the same way. However, you are not in the dungeon business so you need to be able to achieve symbolic superiority with a very limited array of tools and toys. Here’s a bit of a shopping list:
- Zip-ties – 12 inch, as wide as possible
- Rattan canes – go to your local Chinatown or a garden center – rattan is best but bamboo will do. Cut to correct length for your carry tube. Wrap top five inches in black electrical tape, take two of differing thicknesses
- Paddle – thrift stores have wonderful, over sized, salad tools in wood
- Xxtra large slips/panties, camisoles – the thrift store is your friend
- Rubber gloves/disposable gloves
- Dildo/prostate massager – err on the small side
- Riding crop – tack store or thrift
- Leather carry tube – 36 inches – ideal for canes, crops, and the rest of the tools of the trade
- 21 feet, 3/8 inch cotton (not nylon) rope in 3 foot pieces
- A couple of pairs of old nylon stockings
- Light nipple clamps
Those are the basics. The most expensive item on the list is the carry tube which Amazon sells for $28.50. (Amazon is a great place for all manner of out of the way items.) With a little imagination you can create a whole world of submission for your client simply by unzipping your carry case.
Dressing the Part
While the correct answer to the question, “What does a dominant woman wear?” is “Anything she wants to,” your submissive clients will tend to have visions of a black leather corset and the black high heels from Hell. While you might indulge their fantasies, the fact is leather corsets are expensive and uncomfortable. Worse, they imply you are undressed and that is something a submissive is rarely going to see.
Looks which can work well include a simple, below the knee skirt and a sheer blouse with a lacy white bra; the same skirt but with a fitted leather jacket and black lacy bra. School teacher skirt and little jacket – in a demure tweed. A pretty, above the knee LBD with appropriate stockings and heels. Stockings, not pantyhose. Stocking can be lacy stay-ups, or garters and all. I assure you, once you get the hang of it you will love them.
The overall look is feminine and a bit aloof. Glasses are always a good option. So is having your hair up. The naughty librarian look is well worth trying.
One key psychological element often at play is that your clients are reaching back into their early lives for a woman who represents authority. So dressing a few decades out of date can trigger the right responses.
Leave the fake dominatrix outfits in the sex shop for the suburban bad girls to wear on “date night”. Same with things like nurse’s uniforms. At the same time, if you can find a wonderful old, real, nurse’s outfit – ideally with the great old starched nurse’s cap – grab it and use it.
One element to keep in mind is that these sorts of dates are at least an hour long, so you want to be comfortable. Six inch heels are perfect for a quick turn around the bed, but are not so great for supervising your submissive charge.
The domina date is more than a little different from a regular escort encounter. Off the top, there is no sex. Or at least none which involves you. Which raises the question: so what, exactly do you do??
For the moment let’s assume you are entertaining in your own space. Your gentleman arrives and, if you are wise, you have him place his tribute (domina word for gift) on your hall table. Business attended to, there are several ways for the date to go. The difficulty here is that you can’t really guess what will actually give him the release he is looking for.
Some girls in this situation opt for a full and frank conversation before entering into the “session”. Not at all a bad idea. Indeed some professional dominatrix’s have full on questionnaires for their clients to fill out online or prior to the session. However, there is a slightly better alternative.
It begins with your assumption of superiority. Your client is not there to be consulted, he is there to do what he is told. And that begins with being sent to take a shower. Obedient men, even if they just had a shower, will dutifully have another. Brats will put up a fuss: which is perfect because now they have to take a cold shower and you will tell them when they may come out. Tell them not to lock the door. As they are showering you have the opportunity to check your tribute and prepare for the next move.
Depending on your mood, you can leave them a short men’s robe or, for fun, a pretty ladies robe. In either case, remove all of their clothing and place it somewhere out of the way. When they emerge from their shower in their robe you should be seated in a chair with a clear space in front of it.
Have your client come before you on your chair and tell him to turn around and present his wrists. Using the zip ties fasten his wrists, loose tie on each wrist and then a tie between the wrists behind his back. The objective is to have him effectively helpless. Then you tell him to turn around.
Some girls like their subs to kneel at this stage, others like to keep them standing. The point is that they are now in your power. And, to make that point very clear, you can unbelt their robe to expose their often shower shrunk bits and pieces.
It is usually at this point that you give him the name he is to call you. My own preferences are “Miss” or “Ma’am”, “Mistress” can work but I think it sounds a bit arch as does Mi’Lady or Princess. However, harkening back to school days with a name like “Miss Pierce” will sometimes put your client into the right mood. Make it clear that he is to use that form of address and no other or there will be consequences. He is also to speak only when spoken to or asked a direct question,
It is also a good idea to set a “safe word” at this point. Although your session is not at all likely to push any limits, knowing that saying “stove top” or “periwinkle” will call a timeout is a source of some security for your client and safety for you.
Now you can proceed. With a first time client, with your cane or crop in hand, possibly flicking said bits and pieces, you begin to question your client. A good deal of the questioning is designed to take him through what your normal first session contains.
This, in turn requires a bit of planning. In many ways, like a good book, a submissive’s time with you heads towards a climax which is the moment when he is least in control of his situation. It might be a through caning or something much lighter where he has to put on his slip and panties and do a bit of lingerie hand washing. It is never a bad idea to give him some corner time with his nose pressed against the panties he’ll be washing. Nor should light rope bondage be dismissed.
Setting him some tasks to perform and be evaluated on is useful. If he is to be whipped – and almost every client will need some level of corporal chastisement – it is worthwhile to have him recite his infractions and apologize for his sloppiness. Putting him in a nighty and tucking him into bed with his arms and legs bound will give him a sense of tranquility. And if you flip down the covers and pull up his nighty before he is paddled right there in bed he’ll be able to relish his powerlessness all the more.
There is no reason why an escort can’t build a significant business as a domina. But it is important to keep the two businesses apart. Separate advertising, websites and phone numbers make that easy.
Some men enjoy a good deal of humiliation both physical and verbal. The varieties of odd activities which submissive men enjoy is boundless. From serious cross dressing through to detailing your bathroom with an old toothbrush, each man will have his own peccadilloes. And a clever domina will find all the things she needs done – house repairs, ironing, folding laundry – and men who will be delighted to do the work and pay her fees if they are allowed to complete the tasks in a good firm girdle and be properly punished for any mistakes.
By starting the session by outlining what’s in store for him, you let a client signal where his preferences lie. And, of course, you can tell him he has to tell you the absolute truth or else.
Psychologically, a client is usually most satisfied when he sees a clear connection between his behaviour and his treatment. If you let your clients ejaculate at the end of a session, it should always be a reward for bearing their punishments well.
A domina always has a good deal held in reserve but visually available to her client. Having a crop, a cane and a paddle doesn’t mean you’ll be using all three in a session; but the client who is cropped will leave wondering what the unused paddle would be like. The same is true of anal toys: they are almost never used in a first session, instead they are an earned threat to keep your client returning.
For outcalls, the procedure is nearly identical with the exception of the fact that the domina may want to take control at an even earlier stage for her own safety. A man with his wrists zip tied behind his back poses little threat as you are getting to know him. As well, the domina needs to be a bit more aware of the relative noise levels of a crop, cane and paddle. Paddles are loud.
The one thing about the domina business is that the clients, if you hit their sweet spots, are incredibly loyal. Repeat business is a given because there is always something new for the submissive to endure.