Have whip, will travel: Domme dating #1

Adult service providers have a wide variety of specialties ranging from straight massages without a happy ending all the way through to multi girl travel dates. Activities between consenting adults covers a huge range and any girl who has been in the business for a few months will have her own stories to tell about strange requests and odd fetishes. Some escorts cater to their clients desires, others do not, but some girls make an excellent living doing nothing but domme work.

by Hannah Jay

We spoke to a professional domme but, before we go to that interview, a little background. The world of dominance and submission and the over lapping world of BDSM involve what people playing in these worlds call “power exchange”. In non-professional situations one participant will, for a period of time, give control over themselves to another person. Yes, Fifty Shades of Grey describes a BDSM relationship.

Aligned with but not always present in a BDSM scenario are the vast variety of fetishes running from cross dressing through to leather and other materials on to latex. There are situational fetishes, role-plays, varieties of exhibitionism, humiliation and service. Fetishes can often be extremely specific and may or may not involve elements of dominance and submission. The list of fetishes is literally endless.

The D/S, BDSM and fetish communities distinguish their activities from what they term “vanilla sex” but the distinction is very fluid. Moreover, for many in the D/S fetish community “sex” is a small or non-existent part of the “play”.

While D/S and fetish are gaining increasing acceptance in some parts of the mainstream culture – or at least are no longer seen as dangerous pathologies – many individuals still remained ashamed or at least conflicted about their “kinks”.

The emergence of the Internet has been a huge impetus for kink acceptance. People who like to dress as ponies and pull little carriages around for the weekend while sleeping in stalls can easily discover like-minded individuals and facilities which cater for just that sort of thing. Google is an emerging kinkster’s best friend. But finding that you are not alone in your desires is not the same as feeling comfortable acting on them.

Enter the professional domme or domina or dominatrix. The conventional picture of a pro domme is of an intimidating looking women, likely wearing boots and leather standing with a whip in front of assorted bondage frames in a dimly lighted dungeon. Which is where a good deal of pro domme work occurs. Either the domme builds or has built for her a dungeon or she works or rents space from another domme in a dungeon. The incall facilities of a pro domme are impressive and expensive. We’ll look at that side of the business another day.

Nicki’s approach is the polar opposite from the dark dungeon, leather and chains, world. Nicki is twenty seven and lives in a medium sized city in the North East.

“If looked hard and you knew what you were looking for you could tell that I do domination dates in my apartment.” said Nicki who has been exclusively a pro domme for the past four years. “But I can have my mother over for tea and she has no idea. I’m not exactly a lifestyle domme but I do have a very kinky, submissive boyfriend and he’s helped me with a few of the details. And, of course, I try them out on him first.”

“Unlike a lot of professional dominas I didn’t start as an escort.” explained Nicki, “I had been playing around the kink scene in my city for a year or two. Went to Fetish Balls and I liked the whole power exchange thing. Well, not actually the exchange. I like having the power. One of the things about the scene is that there are always way more submissive men than dominant women. And the sub men on the scene are pretty at ease with their kink. Out in the general population? Who knew? But through the scene I met a lifestyle domme who also had a professional practice. We became, and remain, great friends.”

“She encouraged me to give professional domme work a try. First I worked with her at her dungeon as an assistant. Which was really useful. She taught me how to structure a paid for scene which is very different from the sessions we would do in the community. Kinksters are really relaxed with other kinksters; there is a lot of trust and a lot of love. Pro domme work is more about performance than re-assurance. Your client is paying for a particular experience. Much as I was learning from my friend I realized that what she did professionally – which was pretty heavy pain and humiliation – was not at all what I enjoyed or would be comfortable doing on my own.

I mean I have no problem caning or whipping a client; but heavy pain is not where I like to play. The truth is that domme dates are actually production pieces. Which means you have to be able to be convincing. My friend is a bit of an Amazon. Almost six feet and big. I am not. Where she can pull off the “strict mistress will over power you” thing, I have to be much more subtle.

I see clients at my apartment and I do outcalls. The advantage of my apartment is I have everything I need close to hand. I have tie points in a couple of strategic locations in my living room and in my bedroom. I also have a clever little cage right under my bed.

The key thing about domina and fetish dates is the client’s fantasy that their domme is into whatever kink they happen to have. Which means communication is critical. At the same time there is a bit of illusion necessary so that you can go from conversation to action as if the conversation has never happened.

Domme dates are unique in another respect: there is no sex. With a regular escort there is officially no sex but, unofficially, consenting adult activities are pretty much the entire point. In domme work there is none of that. Some dommes may relent and allow their clients to give themselves some relief at the end of the session. I don’t. It keeps everything very much on a “play basis” and it means that the cops can go whistle.

I keep my advertising minimal. “Young domina looking for generous gentlemen to serve me. Email applications only.” I have a picture which is very demure and shows my leather gloved hand holding a cane over my corset. It seems to work.

I like to do the communication by email. I’ll exchange several emails with the men who answer my ads. At the beginning I am just getting basic screening information but even then I am pretty demanding. You have to establish the power dynamic from the get go. I am in charge, my clients do what they are told. There are second chances but they cost the client in other ways.

Before I even see my clients they have accepted their position for our session. I don’t have “slaves”. Plenty of dommes do, but the problem with slaves is that they are boring and I am bored. Every date I do has a narrative. A beginning, a middle and an end. And to do that there needs to be some drama. Not in the negative sense; rather in the sense that I need to know what my client wants, but will not be “comfortable” with. Where are his “edges”. There is a lot of psychology of a very low level sort.

It is trite to describe a power exchange as a dance. Yet there is a huge sense that a date which works well is a weaving of desire, compliance and transgression and I direct the entire thing. Usually from my lovely arm chair which, in my apartment, I have a little, eight inch high platform for. The chair weighs nothing and when I have a date I pull the platform out and put the chair on it. I have a table lamp on a gooseneck which I use to under light myself.

I wear a very simple outfit for sessions – whether at home or at a hotel. Very nice Louboutin pumps with a four and a half inch heel, black stockings, serious panties and a very well made black overbust corset. A pencil skirt with a slit up just above my stockings tops and a white, silk, blouse which – unless I am in public, is usually unbuttoned to my waist. Sleeves rolled up a little. Make up? Very minimal. I know that there is a vibe where dommes use really exaggerated make up but I like the idea of presenting as a good girl gone a little bad. Which is pretty much my story anyway.

The great advantage of this outfit is it works just as well for outcalls as it does at home. In the summer I wear a cute little jacket, in the winter I have a couple of long coats: button up the blouse and I’m good to go. Outcalls can be a bit challenging simply because you have to improvise tie points and so on. But I have a regular kit I take with me with everything from ball gags to handcuffs. I have a portfolio tube for a couple of canes and a riding crop or two. Toys of course. And a cute little apron which lets me dress my client au femme without wasting a lot of time by having the wrong size.

While it is really important to know what my clients want it is also important to have a bit of a routine with my domme dates. Having a routine lets me stay focused on what is actually working with the client. You can think of it as a script.

Assuming my client has told me a little about what he is looking for in our email exchange I will work with elements of his desires. But it always begins the same way with my client – having left his envelope where he’s told to – kneeling in front of me with his hands behind his back. At that point I put on the cuffs and they don’t come off for the duration of the session. A man with his wrists locked behind his back is a safe man and I believe in safety first.

My script is always about my being in charge and my client accepting his place and doing what he is told. If the date is to include a whipping – and most do – I try to have a reason for that whipping. It can be incredibly trivial – failing to call me Miss even once is more than enough. But usually the whipping is the peak moment of the session. Which leaves the difficult question of what to do for the hour or two you are not swinging the cane or crop.

Good old-fashioned rope bondage can take up lots of time. First the whole process of tying the client up, then a few minutes for him to realize that I tie very good knots. The only downside is that well done rope bondage will leave marks which will take a while to fade. Once tied, my client really is at my mercy and a few clothes pegs tied together and applied to sensitive areas are certainly an option.

I make a point of gloving when I am in proximity to my client. Partially this is for my own health, but putting on real rubber dish washing gloves – I like mine bright yellow – makes it very clear to my client how loathsome I find his body. Which, again, is something that some clients really get off on.

Gags offer some fun and I will usually have two or three with me including the dreaded penis gag. Most clients in domme work are very straight indeed and the idea of being gagged with a penis shaped object is very transgressive. And, of course, it’s also terrifically theatrical. If my client sees the penis gag he will spend a lot of the session wondering if he will have to wear it.

Now the downside of gags is that they prevent the use of safe words. But I solved that problem by requiring my clients to use hand signals. Nothing fancy. One finger to indicate all is well, two to suggest that things are getting a bit intense, three for please slow down and a full hand for “Please stop”.

When I am at my apartment, after some initial bondage I will usually have my client serve me in some manner. It might be making and pouring me a cup of tea, or cleaning my bathroom. Regular clients are often required to do my handwashing or to iron my sheets. When they are serving I have a set of cuffs with a longer chain which allows them some capacity to actually work.

I have a couple of regular clients who I will use as servants on a weekly basis. They pay for the privilege of course but they have extended sessions so they can clean my apartment thoroughly, wash my car, run errands and generally act as a ladies maid for an afternoon. The apron comes in handy.

Virtually every client has a very specific need. It might be something as basic as a bit of humiliation or an anal plug or some form of nastiness with their private parts. With my dish gloves on I am pretty much game for anything. But what my client really wants does not happen until the last half, in fact usually last quarter, of our time together.

Here’s the thing: dommes, like escorts, thrive on repeat business. It is hugely easier to see a submissive client the second time because you will have a really clear idea of what he is just dying to be told to do. And the way to have a client come back is to tease him with just a little hint of the thing he wants most.

A lot of my clients want to be pegged. Which is a remarkably intimate thing to do and not something I want to do in a first session. So what I do is, before their whipping, when they are tied in position with their bottom in the air, I will get a dil or a plug and tease them mercilessly for a few minutes. And just when they think they are about to burst I will give them a couple of dozen strokes with my cane or crop. Not terribly hard. The cane will easily leave welts and the crop is awfully loud, but hard enough to refocus their attention. As I am doing this I talk to them – remember they are always gagged so they are not talking back. And that is when I tell them what’s in store for them in their next session. Because, after an hour or two with me they realize that I am not some little escort girl with a sex store flogger. I am the real deal.

Which, ultimately, is what the real submissives and fetishists want. A woman who they are confident is actually enjoying her power and their submission. The whole domme world revolves around giving a quite large group of often wealthy and powerful men the sensation of being entirely at the mercy of a strong, dominant woman who is in charge. For an hour or two, if I do my job right, my clients are entirely focused on what they must do to please me and how to obey me and nothing else.

An hour or two with a domme is, for many men, an hour or two entirely outside the stresses of their day to day lives. They are rendered literally powerless by a girl who is all of five foot six. They do what they are told, can’t talk back, spend uncomfortable time in a cage under my bed or tied up in their hotel closet while I watch a bit of TV or read a book. Sometimes they are blindfolded and I put earphones on them with a wonderful recording of a mountain creek. And then they are hauled out from under my bed or the closet, turned over and soundly punished. They know it is coming but, by the time I actually engage, they have often convinced themselves that they will be let off.

At the end of my sessions I give my clients the option of staying for a little while to “come down” or simply leaving with my domme persona left entirely intact. It is about a 50/50 split. With the ones who stay we often talk about what they would like to do in their next session, how they felt about having certain boundaries pushed and other elements of domme work. But what usually happens is that as they come out of their submissive “zone” they will tell me how grateful they are. If I have done my job right they will have had a particular “itch” scratched and they will have had a break from their lives.

The clients who stay after almost always come back for more.